We’ve all heard the one about the college student who proves that hell has not in fact frozen over, his postulation apparently verified by the fact that, if “we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, “that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true…Thus, hell is exothermic.” http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html
If it has been a while since your college physics class, exothermic means that something gives off heat. The student adds that if souls exist they must have some mass, and since no one ever leaves as souls continue to accumulate in hell, according to Boyles Law, the pressure and temperature would increase, unless hell is expanding. But can’t that also be true of heaven? Indeed, the number of souls would increase exponentially with the population, which would, in keeping with Boyles Law, mean that heaven is also hot, or at the very least in no danger of freezing.
Both would be deadly options for beer. Particularly for this bottle of Anchor Bock beer sitting on the desk in front of me. Mohagony brown, it poured to a quarter inch smooth coffee head. That head faded quickly, and with the first sip, left something I call royal lacing. That is, what remains of the head has the appearance of this sort of ragged crown ringing the class. The aroma was subdued, scented with bitter chocolate, fruit and malts, and not a hint of bitterness.
So pondering the glass, before taking the first sip, I returned to the question at hand. That is, is there, or can there be beer in heaven? Now, the student in our query offers that among the religions of the world, some state that if you don’t believe in their religion that you will go to hell. It is logical, therefore, by that standard, that everyone goes to hell. However, seeing that the student got an A for what essentially was a smart-ass answer, then there must be a God, and so perhaps the criteria for going to hell is overstated. I’ll get to that in a moment.
Anchor Bock comes in at 5 and a half percent alcohol by volume, ABV. From the first taste I found layers of dark chocolate, wrapped in a sweetness of raisin and plum, with a fine carbonation that reminded me of Brazil’s black beer, Xingu. There is that same slight sugary sweetness, but Anchor Bock is a far more complex beer. Like all of Anchor’s innovative and beautifully rendered compositions, it would not be out of the question to sit with friends and ponder this one over the course of an evening. Each taste gave way to a lingering citrus tart that was heavenly. Which brings me back to the question of beer in heaven.
We know that clearly some souls go to heaven. Certaily all dogs, and probably most cats go to heaven. But here our student makes a critical mistake, simply by assuming the orthodoxy of various faiths. Since most folks of faith accept that deeds and a life spent serving and loving others is more important to god than orthodoxy, and given that most folks are basically good, we can also assume that more souls go to heaven than to hell.
By that logic, and according to Boyle’s Law, heaven should hotter than hell. That, however assumes that heaven and hell are the same size and hold the same volume of souls. But as hell is always descibed as a miserable place, and since the tiny first floor studio I rented when first moving to the city was absolutely the most miserable place I can imagine, heaven must me larger than hell. If that is the case, then heaven has hardly reached its maximum volume, and must therefore be quite comfortable.
That would make heaven perfect for beer. Tipping back the last of this Anchor Bock, I cannot imagine eternity without beer. That would be sheer hell, which means there must be beer in heaven.
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Catch the beer of the week review with 900poundgorilla’s WC Turck and Brian Murray each Sunday 8-9am only on Our Town, at Chicago’s Progressive Talk, WCPT AM and FM, and streaming online. Friend us on Facebook at Revolution and Beer. And find all of the great beers we review each week at Louis Glunz Beer Inc., http://www.glunzbeers.com