This just in to the 900poundgorilla Weather Desk: According to sources rain is falling across parts of drought stricken Texas. Not the parts that need it, like the hard hit Austin and Waco areas, where burn bans and restrictions have jeopardized the annual Austin City limits Music festival, but sources close to the Perry presidential campaign point to the rain as proof that Governor Perry does indeed have God’s favor.
The rain, confirmed by radar from a bunch of elitist scientists, came less than two months after Perry’s last public prayer, and 5 months from the time he publically appealed for Texas to summon God in making it rain. It remains uncertain exactly why it took God so damn long. There was no immediate comment from the Governor, who only looked to the sky and gave knowing wink.
A meteorologist and statistician who happened by a rain-soaked gathering of Perry supporters was threatened after proposing that, quote: “eventually it will rain, whether or not anyone prays to a god, sacrifices a goat or shoots off a gun to heaven while rubbing their beer belly at the same time. It’s just weather! Ask any climatologist.”
“We don’t go for that sort of high and mighty arrogance just cuz them science fellas read a book or two,” said a Perry supporter, rubbing soap over his hair and clothes.
At this celebratory rain-rally, notable for the lack of shoes and teeth, it was clear to those attending that the drought wasn’t science, but the wrath of the Almighty because the nation had gone over to homosexuals, immigrants, and a demon Marxist Muslim for a president.
An official from the Perry campaign was seen nearby shouting from a limousine to the mostly unemployed and uninsured supporters that science was for nerds, and that proof of God’s grace upon Perry and Texas was falling all around. Asked to comment on the meteorologist, who barely escaped being stoned for blasphemy, as prescribed in the Old Testament, the official was adamant.
“Science has never been proved, everyone knows that. They correct themselves all the time. As for that ‘ask any climatologist,’ remark, well, that sounds like consensus, and consensus is political. In fact it is communistic-everybody marching in lock step like that Hitler fellow.”
When reminded that consensus simply meant agreement, and that scientists were in agreement about global warming the official pointed at this reporter and cried to the rain-dancing Perry supports to, quote, “Stone him! Stone the blasphemer!”