This just in to the 900poundgorilla news desk: Rick Perry is temporarily suspending his Presidential campaign to rush back to Texas and pray for a miracle. The Liberal Press is reporting that more than 300 hundred homes have been destroyed and the flames are advancing out of control along a 16 mile line. The fire, part of the historic drought, is Satanic according to a Tea Party spokesperson, stating it was just one more sign that god hates Obama and Liberals, adding that anything we don’t understand must be of the devil and his minions. Perry urged caution as he rushed back for an emergency pray-a-thon, noting that so far no rich people or corporations have been harmed.
Scientists have weighed in on causes for the drought, pointing to global warming as a contributing factor. Perry, before leaving for Texas from the campaign trail, pointed out that scientists are book-wormy nerds supported by elitists who have gone to high and mighty Liberal Universities. Rebulicans and Conservatives have adopted the view that such things make those people think they are smarter than everybody else. When asked if Perry could explain who an Elecron Microscope worked, he began speaking in tongues and prayed for god to smite the reporter. His administration would not tolerate such blasphemous remarks that only serve evil and the work of the Devil.
The Tea Party agreed, saying that facts and knowledge only serve the Liberals, and went on to say that not a single scientist has ever successfully started a business, and many have never been with a girl. Looking at the problem from a scientific or bookish sort of way only takes valuable time from prayers and conjuring.
What America needs, the Tea Party spokesperson went on to say, is to pray for rain in Texas. Perry will no doubt lead that effort, building upon the success of his previous appeals to the good Lord. “Eventually it rain,” said a supporter, shaking a photo of a prostrate Perry at the flames rushing towards his Central Texas trailer.
“Perry will make it rain, and then one day when it finally does, who will look like a fool then, huh?”
With that the supporter jumped in his ’84 Ford Pickup and fled.