My fellow Americans, it is with great honor that I accept my wife’s permission to run for the office of President of these United States. I am therefore announcing my candidacy here today, with a pledge to do for America what I have done for Texas.
First, as President, I shall immediately repeal Obama’s healthcare plan. My Administration will work tirelessly to reaffirm that treatment for serious illnesses and catastrophic injuries is a privilege bestowed by the mega-insurance companies that make this country great. The weak, old and infirm have too long been coddled by Liberals and will learn once more that Americans have a proud heritage of pulling themselves up by their boot straps-for those who can afford boot straps…or boots.
I pledge to put americans back to work, as I have done in Texas, reducing the national unemployment average from 9% to the Texas rate of 8.2% by aggressively increasing the number of minimum wage and service jobs. Because I believe it is every poor American’s unique privilege to work 2 to 3 jobs to make ends meet.
My Administration, and both houses of Congress, which will report directly to me, shall privatize Social Security at long last, so that the market can work for your fixed retirement income as well as the market has worked since the debt crisis. Retirement can be boring. This will make it far more interesting.
Once I am President, I promise to slash Medicare and Medicaid. Too many retirees are forced to choose between food and life-saving medications. My Administration will remove the burden of that terrible choice by making medication far too expensive to afford. Problem solved.
We will pray and raise are hands into the air to deal with national emergencies, speaking in tongues, conjuring snakes and imploring our god, because that is far easier than having an actual plan. Though it has not worked so far to stem the historic Texas drought, the odds are pretty good that eventually it will rain. When it does, we’ll know it was god that heard our prayers.
And finally, I will balance the budget just as I did last year in Texas, by using Federal Stimulus funds quietly and secretly, then claim credit for it ourselves. And fellow Americans, just as I told Texans, if we can’t fix the problems of this nation will rational compromise, shared sacrifice, and well conceived strategies…we’ll secede!
Thank you and god bless my wife!